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Fifty Shades Feckless: Chapter Twenty-Three
space beauty
Hey, all. I think I'm kind of obligated to explain where the fuck I've been.

Basically, a bunch of things happened, and sporking became a very low priority.

The first thing is that my parents have gone overseas for nearly two months. As you can imagine, shit got hectic. Everyone has been rushing around trying to get things done for a while now.

The second thing is that uni got really hectic. And depressing.

The third thing is the Big Bang. I hang out in the Treehouse, the That Guy With The Glasses fanfic-writing fandom, and I signed up to participate in their Big Bang.

That got ugly fast.

First, I knew I wouldn't be able to finish my story in time. Then my laptop got fucked and I thought I'd lost everything. Then it turned out to be unfucked, but I couldn't keep going, so I switched to a new story. Then I switched again.

I finished it, at least- it's called The Alternative, and I posted it here- and it's good. But I ended it on a cliffhanger, and everyone wants a sequel. So naturally, my brain ran into a tree and refused to pick itself out of the wreck and do some writing.

The fourth thing is the upcoming exams. Yeah. No more needs to be said.

The fifth thing? Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Gates To Infinity. That game is *fucking addictive*. Though I am pissed that they took away the ability to do more than one mission at once.

Also, you can trade PMD for Let's Play Katamari Damacy before my birthday. Katamari is just wonderful. :)

The sixth thing is actually a series of things: my friends. They're... an interesting bunch. So I had everything from checking up on a friend who lives in Boston and was there when the bombs went off, to frantically panicking over a friend who said he was going to kill himself (he didn't), to hugging my recovering alcoholic friend back to a state of non-crying. It's been fun.

The last thing is another spork I've been reading of Fifty Shades Of Grey. It's good. Hell, it's *amazing*. See, I'm not American, and I did little to no research when I did my spork. These women? They are and they did. They've pointed out every tiny flaw, every little hole in James' story, and I felt kind of embarrassed to do my own sub-par spork when I read theirs. The link's here, and I strongly recommend that you all go read it (though there are highly-triggering parts, I will warn you.)

So, now that I've explained, let's get back to this chapter, shall we?

Right. *cracks knuckles* Let's dance.

Ana isn't quite waking up, but she can still hear things. And James repeats 'pain' a billion times, so it's basically Bella when she got turned.

There is only pain. My head, my chest... burning pain. My side, my arm. Pain. Pain and hushed words in the gloom.

You don't mean that you're in pain, do you? I never would have guessed!

Grey asks the doctor about Ana's condition. It boils down to 'she's fine, she just needs sleep and she'll wake up in her own time.' He asks about the baby, is told that it's fine and is relieved, which makes Ana relieved. Fair enough.

Oh, and we get another great metaphor!

As I surface from the fog, consciousness hovers, a seductive siren just out of reach.

*headdesk* Oh for the love of... sirens are BAD. Sirens? Bad. Yeah. Jesus fuck, James.

Ana overhears a conversation between Grey and Carrick, establishing that Mia is just fine. I love how she's conveniently waking up just in time to hear the important stuff, no?

More conversations, and... ugh. Ray tells Grey that "If you don't take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. Lovely. So apparently James thinks that a married woman should still be subject to punishment by her father or her husband. Fuck that bitch.

I just want to say this now: I'm not a negotiator and I know pretty much nothing about hostage situations, but what else could she have done? Jack would have certainly killed, raped or maimed Mia. He was having her watched. Ana had no choice, what else was she meant to do?

Back to the conversations. Grey has a short chat with some cops and several talks with Grace. Ana also wakes up just in time to hear Grey begging her to wake up. Le boring.

Ana finally wakes up and needs to go to the bathroom, despite having a catheter. Not sure if that's accurate, and I'll assume no. Grey's a dick to the nurse, and honestly, why hasn't he been kicked out of the hospital after stunts like these?

He gives her a hostile glare. "Damn it, she's my wife. I'll take her." [...] He ignores her, leans down, and gently lifts me off the bed.

Hey, dickwad. Are you a medical professional? A nurse? A doctor? An EMT? No? Then why the fuck are you doing this? You are not qualified to do anything medical, so back off and shut up, you fucktard!

God. And he keeps being a dick, laughing about how he annoyed the nurse. Ana asks about Mia, and Grey confirms that she was being held prisoner, so it wasn't a con. He also tells her that she's been unconscious since Thursday. She was in a coma for two days, why isn't there a doctor with her already? She's pregnant and had a bad fall, for fuck's sake!

They have a sappy conversation where they apologise, blah blah blah, the doctor turns up and examines her, and says that they might discharge her within the next couple of days. Taylor comes in with some soup, which Ana happily devours, and they explain the plot of the last two chapters to each other. Ana decides to go back to sleep, and she convinces Grey to sleep in her bed. With her.


You've been in a coma for over a day. You're pregnant. You took a beating and had a bad fall. You have an IV. WHY ARE YOU ENDANGERING YOURSELF? Do you seriously not know how much damage can be inflicted by accident on an unborn child? Believe me, I know- I've been studying it. In short: You're a fucking idiot.

Ana manages to sweet-talk the nurse into letting him stay, so the nurse is an idiot too. When she wakes up, Carrick is there and they have a talk. He thanks her for saving his daughter, gives her an update on Mia and leaves after thanking her again.

Later, as she's brushing her teeth, Grey comes in with food- oatmeal, pancakes, bacon, orange juice, fruit and tea. It sounds delicious, but yesterday the doctor said you couldn't have heavy foods. If the doctor hasn't OK'd it, don't eat it, fuckwit.

They have a supposedly-heartwarming conversation where he worries about being a father and she reassures him that things will be OK, and the chapter ends.

That was Chapter Twenty-Three. Took a while, but it's here now.


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