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PPC MST Three: Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued
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Author's Note: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 belongs to Joel Hodgson and Best Brains, Inc. 'Office Romance' was written by an unknown author who sure as hell isn't me. 'Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued' was written, produced and performed by Fall Out Boy. Lake, and agents Ally, Grace, Fix and the Carver all belong to me.


(SCENE: The PPC movie theatre. Agents Ally, Grace, Fix and the Carver are sitting in the front row.)

FIX: How did you talk us into this, again?
THE CARVER: Bribery, my dear.
FIX: *scowls*
ALLY: Hey, don’t blame us because your partner goes apeshit for knives.
THE CARVER: *smiles dreamily*
FIX: You are so fucked up.
THE CARVER: You already knew that.
FIX: *folds arms* You owe me, Carver.
GRACE: Are you sure you want her to owe you a favour?
FIX: I’ll work it out. Weren’t we supposed to be MST’ing, or something?
GRACE: Oh, yeah! Hello and welcome to Mystery Science Theatre! I’m Grace Leon-
ALLY: -I’m Ally Malet-
GRACE: And today, we’re continuing the Three-Ring Binder stories. We’ve invited along some friends. Say hello to Fix Crane and the Carver!
FIX: *scowls*
THE CARVER: *smiles and waves vaguely*
ALLY: Hey, Carver. Want to give normality a shot?
THE CARVER: Normality? Oh, how utterly boring. You should know that.
ALLY: *makes a rude gesture at her*

(*a countdown appears. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…*)

ALL: We’ve got bullshit sign!

Office Romance

FIX: Great. Building porn.
GRACE: What the hell have you been watching?
THE CARVER: Have you been using my laptop to watch porn? *raises eyebrows, distinctly annoyed*
FIX: I’m not suicidal!

The work-morning started quite unassumingly. A Frenchman, Willingham, came to the office for a meeting;

ALLY: Did we not mention that? These stories nearly all contain someone who is supposed to be French but isn’t, people who understand French with no otherwise indication, and really stupid sex.
GRACE: Oops.
THE CARVER: I’m going to kill you both in your sleep.

before the hour was up, Junior had him spread-eagled over the desk,

FIX: Huh. One hell of a fast mover.
THE CARVER: Like you’d know.

with his stomach compressed against the mahogany, and his dewing scrotum glistening like a grandmother under the fluorescent lights.

ALL: …
THE CARVER: I… you… this… oh, fuck me.
ALLY: No thanks. You’re too crazy for my tastes.
GRACE: Dewing. Dewing. Generally, if any part of your body is producing dew, you need to get to a freaking hospital.
FIX: Glistening like a grandmother. Now I really have seen everything.
GRACE: The mental images… the mental images…

Junior took his thumbs

GRACE: Argh! No! Not this!
FIX: *confused* Not what?
THE CARVER: Apparently, bad stories often have phrases that imply that the characters have extreme leprosy, with the amount of body parts that fall off, are picked up or are otherwise written in implausible actions.
FIX: …Ugh.

and pried open the man’s ass-doormen

GRACE: *is speechless*
ALLY: OK, we need to get this guy arrested for multiple counts of murder.
THE CARVER: Those poor, poor doormen.

to inspect the kiss of his sphincter.

ALLY: Is it just me, or does ‘Kiss of a Sphincter’ sound like a rock band?
FIX: It’s just you.
THE CARVER: It sounds more like a gay porn starring a bad clone of the band KISS.
GRACE: *sobs* I like KISS…

and he felt himself grow hard. The Frenchman groaned, “Je ne sais pas,”

THE CARVER: *laughs hysterically*
GRACE: …what?
THE CARVER: ‘Je ne sais pas’ is indeed French. It’s the French for ‘I don’t know’.
ALLY: *snorts*
FIX: That… that’s pretty sad.

he said in his soothing French. “Please, mon ami.”

ALLY: Yes, I’d like to order five kilos of Soothing French to go, please.

Junior patted the man’s hip consolingly, then leaned over the desk and spoke into the intercom. “Hortense!” he barked. “Fetch the lubricant!”

ALLY: Aye aye, sir!
THE CARVER: As you command, my general!
FIX: Yeah, yeah, I’m on my way.
GRACE: Yes, Lester.

Hortense, the secretary, was promptly in the office, toting a family-sized tub of KY jelly.

ALLY: KY jelly: hours of endless fun! Now comes in our new family-sized tub!
FIX: Try our new flavours! We’ve got vanilla-
ALLY: -cherry-
FIX: -banana-
THE CARVER: -mango-
GRACE: -strawberry-
ALLY: -pineapple-
FIX: -bubblegum-
THE CARVER: -peach-
GRACE: -chocolate-
ALLY: And lots more!

She was dressed frumpily, with a long, high-necked dress and librarian glasses. The Frenchman was wearing nothing at all, and Junior was in a suit.

THE CARVER: Hang on. This man wore nothing? So he came to the office naked?
FIX: Apparently. That’d get you shot where I come from.
ALLY: Fix, everything would get you shot where you came from.
FIX: You’re mixing up our home continua again.
ALLY: Ah, shit, I am too.

Junior grabbed the jelly and began stuffing it into the Frenchman’s ass as he might unstuff his own anus of waste.

FIX: I’m not even touching that one.
ALLY: That’s what… I can’t say it.

When he was done, he turned to Hortense. “What are you waiting for, woman?

ALLY: *sings* Oh what you waiting, what you waiting, what you waiting, what you waiting for? Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick-
GRACE: *punches her in the arm*
ALLY: Hey! What was that for?
GRACE: Dragging Gwen Stefani into this shit.
FIX: Holy fuck, she swore!
ALLY: I know, it's a genuine Kodak moment.
GRACE: I don't know where you pick up those references.

I need your rod in my cone, if this good man wants me even to begin fucking him.”

THE CARVER: Oh baby, stuff your inanimate object in my tiny vessel like that!
FIX: And you say I’m depraved?
THE CARVER: I grew up in a place full of culture.
GRACE: What, Chicago? *laughs*
THE CARVER: *miffed* I have culture. Fix has none. Therefore, he is depraved.
FIX: Says the woman who talks to her knives.

Hortense chuckled a long-suffering sigh and reached into her handbag, pulling out a thick strap on dildo. “Yes, Mr Saxon.”

ALLY: Yeah, anal sex is just so last year.

Junior Saxon leaned over the Frenchman, careful not to insert his member just yet, and enjoyed as Hortense pumped him eagerly with jelly. Then she put her member into his anus, and soon he was ready to fuck the Frenchman.

FIX: Wait, is she a…
GRACE: Apparently. I think the story forgot that dildos are not body parts.

“Oh, merci,” sighed the Frenchman lugubriously, and thrust his hips to meet Junior’s. Their scrotums slapped together like seal fins.

FIX: Am I the only person who doesn’t have a clue what ‘lugubriously’ means?
GRACE: Seal fins?
THE CARVER: Priorities, Fix.
FIX: No, seriously, what does it mean?
ALLY: *pulls a dictionary out of her bag and flicks through it* Sad. Or mournful.
FIX: …the fuck?

Hortense came on top of them, but kept fucking Junior. Junior took the Frenchman’s nipples between his thumb and forefinger and milked them lovingly,

ALLY: …what.
GRACE: …huh.

until he came in Willingham’s ass, and the Frenchman came all over the mahogany desk, and some of Junior’s paperwork. Hortense came again.

THE CARVER: You… you… have you no respect for furniture? You’re just going to destroy paperwork and stain good furniture and-
FIX: Priorities, Carver.
THE CARVER: Right, that’s it! *she pulls a knife out and lunges at Fix, who knocks the knife out of her hand and restrains her*
GRACE: Fix, do you do that a lot?
FIX: What, restraining insane older women? No, not really.
ALLY: *winks at Grace* Uh-huh.

When she took off her dildo, there was a damp spot on her dress, over her vagina hole.

FIX: *lets go of the Carver, who goes back to her seat*
GRACE: Um… how does that work, exactly?
ALLY: I don’t know, and I don’t want to know.

The Frenchman, now sated, flipped over. “I will have to come back here before the fiscal year is through,” he said, in French, so Hortense couldn’t understand him.

GRACE: Yeah, we can’t have any more sex until we’ve done our taxes!

“Oh, yes,” Junior agreed, also in French. Hortense was so relaxed by the melodiousness of the language she didn’t care that she couldn’t understand. “I wonder if we will get a tax write off?”

THE CARVER: Yeah, I’d like to see those forms.
FIX: Is it done yet?
ALLY: Yep.
THE CARVER: Oh, good. I need to feed Gerald.
ALLY: Gerald?
THE CARVER: My canary. It was nice seeing you.
FIX: Bye, guys. 

(FIX and the CARVER leave.)

ALLY: Grace?
ALLY: Can we go home now? Please?
GRACE: Sure. Just let me right reality.
ALLY: God, that was terrible.
GRACE: It could be worse.
ALLY: How?!
GRACE: Oh, it could have incestuous tentacle porn...
ALLY: Wait, what?
GRACE: ...but I'm sure the next one will be fine. 

(She leaves.)



AV: I would just like to say that I do not share Grace's opinions about Chicago (though I do share the Carver's opinions about furniture. Honestly. Really. Don't abuse it.)



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